Just did Let go of 7 kilos in 4 months!

I am in a good mood today.

A number of things have happened to make me happier.

Like this one: I just knelt down on my bed for a few seconds and prayed to God before laying my back on my bed and holding my phone as I wait to sleep.

I feel so fulfilled when I deliberately spend time to pray to my God… I and God are usually on continuous conversations and gestures throughout the hours of the day and night but I like it more when I shut out everything else and I just talk to him in form of prayer and a specific posture/movement…that way I am more focused on him at heart, in mind, soul and in my spirit.

When I give him my attention then my reflection of everything else happening to me goes back to Him in form of deep, very very deep Gratitude.
In these moments I’m always short of other things to say except for Gratitude…. and how madly, deeply and crazily I am in love with Him and His Presence…. and how he satisfies my wholeness… How is God Enough for me…. and How I desire to just live for Him, His Will and His mankind.

But usually this moment is quite short and I always wonder how.. The way I get lost in Him it would feel like Eternity only to come back and find not even 15 minutes have passed…

Anyways…then I’m here blogging before I sleep…which is taking more time than my prayer time… Life is funny.

I weigh 63 kilos today. From 70 kilos about 4 months ago. Wow.

I will shed down a little more.

I have read a chapter of a new book today. Titled Maximizing the Moment by TD Jakes. I don’t know how I got to pick it from my library….perhaps it spoke to the season that I am in… Or perhaps I was just being led by the Holy Spirit… Perhaps it’s both.

I am happy I’m adjusting well to my already getting busier life.

Coffee has really helped me to keep me sober today. There was a time I was feeling really drowsy… After the power cut at work and I and my team had to relocate to a place where we could find electricity and work space…
I almost wished they could just leave me behind and I swear I would take a power nap…
But YangDu (nickname to my teammate) was all sober and determined to have us all out to where we could find power and work..

This was around noon, which was 3 hours after the power cut. We had just finished having our weekly meeting which took longer than usual because of the powercut… For we have our weekly plans recorded on the online document where we update stuff instantly.

To cut the story short… I had to resort to coffee to sober myself out and we left office for work.

I had a power nap later anyways…around 1640 hrs… For about 50 minutes… Maybe this shouldn’t be called a nap after all😹.

I had another coffee. The coffee here was sort of mixed with air already and so it was quite stuck… And I recalled the coffee I had earlier was almost finished… Lately My life has been that of commuting with coffee to places I go, just in case..

I worked until 2100 hours before I left for home… and I feel like I have made some good progress though not much compared to what I had anticipated…

I should sleep now.

We got dreams to catch. And a long day ahead.

20.05.8102

Missing writing a piece.

Just done with my house chores. I’m about to start working. I then recall…I have not had a nap today.

I woke up at 530 am. Been up since then. Perhaps I should consider sleeping early… My day starts at 0700 tomorrow.

I am sipping some tea that I made…I added some mchaichai (is it lemon grass???) and cinnamon… However this powdered mchaichai leaves doesn’t taste as fresh and sweet as the one I’m used to… The one from Dada Mariaz tea at church or my moms tea…

These days my life gets transformed everyday…

I prefer the word ‘transformation’ rather than ‘change’. Change is more of an end result or a status… But transformation involves both the process and the end result… Transformation appreciates little steps, unseen effort, a different thinking, and improved perspective…

Ok. I don’t know where I’m going with this. Just making up things.

Back to my transforming life…

Nowadays, regardless of when I sleep I have to be up not later than 0700 hours from Monday to Monday. Fortunately I’m unexpectedly adapting to this very well😉.

Got PMS that can get really worse….like right now… I got unending headache and fever that isn’t fading despite the painkillers… In times like this I can’t get sleep until at around 430 in the morning… Even when I try to get enough sleep I will be super exhausted and sleepy during the day in the next day… But this doesn’t affect my attitude or my tasks much. I still manage to do what I got to do.

I don’t get to hangout with my kids as much as I want to. My two nieces and nephew. I love them to bits. Still working on a plan to create time for them… April 2019 will be more stable I believe… Time will be a bit more adjustable…

I haven’t spoken to my dad since March. I don’t know what is my problem. I just haven’t called him. And I have been praying that he don’t call me first for it will make me more sad. My prayer seems to have worked so far.

I planned to call him this evening after I’m done with my chores…for I estimated the time for our call…. if it takes at least 29 minutes then that would take so much of me…

But now it’s quite late already… I am thinking that I will call him tomorrow some time in between tasks. I hope he won’t call till then.

He has a tendency to call early mornings at around 5 or 6 am. I don’t know why… Even when he knows that none of his children is an early bird…😁😊… Most times we ignore his early calls but he never stops calling…

But now as I think of it… I think it is a message that we are the first thing he thinks of when he wakes up.😫

I miss him. A lot. He is the great Hero in my story. Always will be.

I guess it took me to write this to truly understand how messed up I can get and how I can correct me…

Makes sense when I said I’m transforming every day right??

Happy New Year!

I have a challenge sleeping early. I am super active when the world is asleep and super duper sleepy when the world is waking up. No matter how I try to reverse, it just doesn’t work.

In late hours of the night is when my head is exploding with ideas and my heart bursts with enthusiasm and so much inspiration.

The urge to read and watch interesting Youtube videos is at peak during these late hours of the night and I would find myself entertaining this desire only to realise it’s almost 4 am in the morning and I got an early day the following day (I mean that particular day to be exact).

Thank God I don’t have an 8am to 5pm routine life. I have more like 8 am/9 am/10 am/11 am to 3 am life.

So this is why I am writing this post at this point. I can’t fall asleep yet. My mind is still racing with awesomeness.

I have just started the year 2018 this past weekend. I know that sounds silly.

I had unfinished business(es) from 2017 and it blocked me from beginning 2018. My mind was not fully launched to the year. Just thinking of the new year celebrations at church on the eve of 31st Dec 2017 to 1st Jan 2018…I was just escorting the rest of the world really.

Until late March, I had not evaluated my 2017 accomplishments yet and I had not set goals for 2018.

Plus I haven’t been financially accountable at a personal level since the year started. I have been spending all the money on me and others without keeping records on my budget journal at all.

This feeling still gives me a slight heart attack even now. I am not sure how I am going to cover up for the gaps on such missing records.

I normally record my daily use of money, when I earn any or spend any. I have a smaller budget journal that I use daily and I have an online personal cash flow template that I use on monthly basis. This is a discipline that I have come to learn after making a lot of mistakes before.

I think I am doing pretty much better right now than ever before. I don’t feel like I am earning some and keep it on empty pockets. I don’t feel generous when my life ain’t changing. I am not living beyond my means. Not anymore.

But I just don’t understand how I got from January to March without recording my finances. Of course it was too hectic for me that I completely lost track of time and other important things as I said earlier. It’s until when I started getting increasing requests for money lately that I realized that I need to get my numbers in shape and in sight.

My dad is building a modern house in our village home and he’s asked for money support…

My little brother gave me some of his money to save for him and apparently i spent it… (see I should have deposited it in my savings account but as I said, I wasn’t doing any good money accountability on these months) and now he needs it. He also needs my contribution for his tuition fee on top of that. Lord knows what I am going to do but I have to get him the dough. He won’t stop WhatsApp texting and calling… and he nags when he sees blue ticks…

My 3 or more friends are getting married and they’re counting on me for money support.

I promised mum to money-support her with something she wanted to do. I asked her not to bother about it and that I would take care of it… (maybe i need to re-discuss with her…)

Unpaid Rent. (sometimes I wish I only paid for the amount of time spent when in the house… Nowadays I only use the house to sleep and maybe hangout on some weekends…. the rest of the time I am at work, geez!)

Need to buy a personal computer… (maybe this one is still ok until 3rd or 4th quarter)

I want to spend a day with my children, to a nice place and play, eat, play and eat.

Etcetera.

All these are on top of tithing and monthly savings… (The idea of robbing God and myself tries to tempt me all the time but somehow I win most of the times)

These needs are what made me wake up and resume my financial discipline or else I will not attain so much from above.

Financial accountability, although a very tense exercise for me (always!!), it helps me be realistic about what I have, what I can afford and what I cannot afford.

Now that I have started living 2018 I look forward to sorting my money gaps and start off well.

Why do I feel like I am writing stuff that does not make sense?.

Perhaps I should move on to doing something else…like picking a chapter of a book to read. :- )

 

 

 

 

To Live for or Die for?

This is going to be short for it’s almost 2pm already… I must hurry to sleep before it’s dawn.

I was meditating on my mom today as I was heading home from work. I thought of how she raised us. She was a busy, hardworking woman…who would have somedays working night shifts at work and she would make sure that she would still watch over us.. Even before we didn’t have landline telephone.

I thought of her feeding us when we were little… At the time we didn’t have so much of breastfeeding as nowadays for mum had to get back to work after maternity leave and there was nothing like pumping milk and all… I don’t know… She must have figured a way out for I was quite healthy and even a little more chubby than my other siblings…

I then thought of my life at boarding school… I remembered I used to have so little pocket money… That my budget for the 3 months would be most people’s weekly budget. 

I guess My parents didn’t consider that money to be necessary for my meals and accommodation were fully covered and paid for in the school fee… Or I guess all they gave me was all they had and maybe more.  All in all they always taught us to be content… And I was. 

As I reflected about my mum some more… And her love and sacrifice… 

There is no Greater love. 

Now even as we’re all grown and mum’s got grandkids… Her love is even stronger… It has stood the time and life’s tests…

This woman has loved us enough to LIVE for us. She still does. I have seen her and heard her fighting to LIVE for us.

Even more… She’s a woman who would take a bullet for Me. And my other siblings. Actually, she already done that…

She’s let herself die so many times… Dying of her career, dying of her time with herself and her friends, and dying of other things that I will not say for today…. But she did allow this  so that we could live to shine…

No wonder I’m so blessed. So much sacrifice out of Love…

I am challenged everyday when I think of her. 

I want to be able to live for her too. Actually that’s my daily prayer… Sometimes I weep as I pray this prayer… That God keeps me Alive so I too can Live for my mum…

I also want to be able to be willing to Die for her too. 

This should be natural for people and things that truly mean a lot to us…. 

I hope you find someone or something worth living for…and that when it comes to dying for them…you wouldn’t think twice about it… 

Martin Luther King… Gandhi… Kwame Nkurumah… Nelson Mandela… 

These interesting people had close people…like parents, wife, children… Of whom, on the urge to protect…they would have abandoned their big dreams and end up ordinary men… 

But they found something bigger than the people close to them… They thought further. They thought of people close to them, their grand kids to come and their great great great grand kids to come… And so they had to seek something bigger to Live for… And were willing to Die for it as well…

And they did die for it indeed. 

But the world lives to tell. And we are all where we are today…in a much better world…because of people as these.

And Jesus, my greatest teacher shares similar path. He loved to live for his people… He taught, healed, did hang out with his circle… But he loved too deep he was ready to die and rise again… to save a much bigger circle… The Whole World.
I hope we all find..  That bigger thing.. Bigger than our lovely daughters and sons… Bigger than our husband’s or wives or lovers… Bigger than our own selves… to live for or die for… 

The EYes and the HEART

Eyes can be so deceiving

But the Heart, even more so

I trust my sight… or rather my eyes

If my eyes aren’t impressed enough

all you would get to see is my back, instead of my attention

When my eyes meet you,

you better be as cute as my niece or nephew

or you make the first best impression

otherwise you’ll be a memory that never got refreshened

Now these Eyes are weak too

Sometimes they get distracted and trapped

They would see, then pause and then they would LOOK

That’s when they like what they’re looking at

And this is when it becomes a little too dangerous

When these eyes get to like someone or something,

They give them the key to access the most sacred and fragile places of all;

The Heart.

Oh dear.

All trouble starts, ends and happens with the Heart

The Heart develops desire

Out of desire grows lust, coveting, and at times love

Before you know it,

both the Eyes and the Heart have become two Great Fools

from once perfect Protectors, Judges and Warriors

Eyes begin to lose that independent, lustrous focus

And now….

All that the Eyes see is controlled and manipulated by the Heart

It’s now all about what the Heart feels

If the Heart is in love with that person or that thing

The Eyes will never ever see fault with any of that

Not ever. It just won’t make sense to the Eyes

And the world would say love is blinding you

or…it’s an ‘obsession’… or some ‘infatuation’…

But Hate can do the same to the Eyes

If the Heart is in pain and bitterness on someone

It won’t matter what they do or what they wear

Eyes will just reject that ‘someone’ all the time

 

I fear for the Eyes

For they always see things… many things…

Eyes have got this Grand opportunity;

To get past the things they see… or pass them to the Heart

Unfortunately, their discernment is always limited

Eyes don’t know who and what is best for them by just looking

Eyes do not get to know the inside of what they see by just looking

Eyes are always vulnerable to Deception..

They laugh with and befriend the goodlooking, and the Rich looking

but laugh at and unfriend the ugly looking, and the poor looking neighbour

Eyes will always fail to differentiate

what’s beautiful and blessing from what’s beautiful and cursing

Eyes are unable to see what is beyond the horizon

And this leaves everything to the Heart

The mother of it all

If the Heart fails, we all fall

For the Heart sees what Eyes can’t see

The Heart can be so strong and yet so weak

If the Heart is broken even the eyes lose its vision

When the Heart is trapped, there is no getting out

What is even worse with the Heart

is that it leaves it’s own residence and goes into another’s residence

it slowly searches until it finds another’s Heart

and these two Hearts connect and become ONE

Even when another’s heart wants off…

This one Heart will hardly let go…

Even if it tries to let go…willingly or forcefully…

It will not be as it was, before it left it’s own residence

It will have bled… torn into pieces as it was trying to part ways..

For it To be Whole again…

It Will require Grace.

 

 

Prov 4:23

Guard your HEART above all else, for it determines the course of your life.

(Your Heart is your most precious place and you must guard it yourself… being mindful of what enters and leaves out of it.. observe a watchful gatekeeper and you’ll understand your role. Be vigilant with your heart. Don’t be deceived.)

Prov 3:5

Trust in the LORD with all your HEART; do not depend on your own understanding.

(We can’t trust ourselves with our hearts for we are weak as we rely on our mere Eyes that welcome all desires of which some are in vain… We can only trust the Lord God with our hearts… and not just a part of it… but ALL of the HEART!!)

Prov 23:26

My son, give me your HEART and let your EYES delight in my ways,

(Don’t give anyone your heart… Be sure for it to be broken if you do so… It will be broken either out of love or other reasons… Your heart is only safe with God.. He created it and you altogether… He knows best how to handle that fragile heart… Just trust Him with it as above… He won’t let you down.. even if he would.. it would still be better off to be broken by him rather than by men)

Psalm 51:10

Create in me a clean HEART, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me.

(How can we restore and repair our hearts after they’re messed up and in pieces?? I said it can’t just happen without Grace. This is the plead to Grace that I am talking about.)

Philip. 4:7

Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your HEARTS and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

(I know being a watchman to your own heart can be tough. How do you detect what is to enter and not to enter? How do you discern what is going to break your heart and what is going to flourish your heart? It’s tough for you to guard it right without the right weapon, CCTV and all required signals… The PEACE of GOD is your guarding engine. When His peace speaks you know your heart is safe… if the peace of God ain’t there… then my friend… you better run for your life!!! lol)

Do Not Despair – Dum Spiro Spero

It’s quite a while since I last watched anything… on TV or movie… 

I said I would watch one episode of Designated Survivor today evening… My little brother had put some of these episodes in my laptop in the last 2 months and I completely forgot all about it. I am somewhere on episode 7 of season 1. Great progress I suppose..

But instead, I had a phone call on my way home and on that call I was assigned some task that has been putting me in front of my laptop for the last 2 hours and a half… And as I lied exhausted on the couch after i was done submitting that task…. Just as I want to watch me some episode…. a blog post title comes into my head like some old landline phone ringtone. 

I just had to come write. 

Yes. Do not D-e-s-p-a-i-r.

Every single day… Even as I accomplish something, there is always going to be something left unattended… Either a task or a person. And that would eat me up inside sometimes..

If I ever clear 100% of my long to-do list… which happens occasionally and it’s always worth celebrating… Then I will have forgone eating or my sleep or calling my mum back in the process of doing so.

May be this isn’t so bad after all. 

There are days where as ambitious as I would wake up… I would end up doing nothing… planned nor unplanned… 

Some days it’s like the person who slept the night before with lots of hope and anticipation is different from the one you woke up with. 

You’d sleep roaring as a Lion but wake up as some Lizard…just hanging around in places where you’re not wanted and doing nothing but showing up… 

I don’t know why I picked a lizard though..😂

Still, I don’t Despair.. 

I know this is an ugly situation where no one wants to find self into…

But sometimes we look for reasons to despair. 

We COMPARE a lot.

Scrolling through Instagram, WhatsApp, Facebook and procrastinating… Looking at all the things we don’t have, people we do not know, and especially those we know… And we will pause when we get there…

We flip through the pictures closely… We read all of their long posts… We judge them silently..  We like or dislike their posts at heart… We laugh at their jokes… We wow them! We ask oirselves questions about them when we know we don’t have the answers… We wonder… And we’ll make sure they never know we did all of the above… We will not like, nor comment… Some don’t even know that we are live on social media…

‘Oh wow, she dressed so beautifully on her bridal shower:

‘Wow, He’s got a new job. It must be a huge promotion for him.’

‘How do people get to party and spend like this when I’m so broke and busted??’

‘Oh shame, she lost her mum.. God see her through’

‘Wow, these guys seems so in love with each other. Their posts are full of praise for each other. It’s the perfect couple ever. I wonder if there’s still true love left for me out there.’

‘Oh man, everyone is travelling the world except me…’

Etc. Etc. Etc.

And all these will happen silently but will have left our hearts, emotions, and thinking greatly displaced at times.

It’s Ok to scroll, to look, to learn and be informed… But when you find yourself at point of involvement… Where you feel better off or worse off as a result of looking or reading… Then right there my friend you’re COMPARING yourself with that person. 

And that is harmful for it is the source of despair. 

Don’t compare experiences… Unless you’re sure it is you getting better..  Like I could compare my previous dish of fried chicken that was done 3 month ago and the one I tried again yesterday and I could see a lot of improvements… 

But don’t compare your ex-boyfriend and your current husband… Or your mum and your mother in law. No. You’ll be in despair before you know it…

Same for the days of our lives..  

Today ain’t like yesterday… Even if you have a completely rountined life, every minute and hour… You still have a choice to live and experience each day differently. 

We must train ourselves to explore every experience, every person, and every day the same way new born babies explore their day to day from when they start to exist…

Unfortunately we want to know everything, we think we know everything and we are discouraged when we realize we don’t know everything.

Let’s be like babies.

We plan, yes we do. 

We try our best to work on our plans, that’s great..

But when things don’t work out… Let’s pause to learn before we resume differently…

Even when we feel we haven’t achieved anything… We shouldn’t despair. At least we’re still breathing. We got another day to try wake up and make up… 

And often times we miss it, we mess it up, or fall flat… Still.. Do not Despair. There is mercy, there is forgiveness, and there is God, who is Love. 

Keep saying this:

Dum Spiro Spero – While I breathe, I hope

Birthdays… Should They Be a Big Deal?

Birthdays never meant anything to me until when I was in my teen years. 

In fact I never knew my birth date until when I was in grade seven. 

I recall that day as i was having a random conversation with dad and he asked me if I knew my birth date and I told him I didn’t… and he told me that it was crucial for me to have that date memorized.

I didn’t know why he said so but I obeyed anyways. I later asked mum for my birth certificate so I could get to cram the date i was born and that was it.

I never celebrated birthdays throughout my whole childhood. Neither my siblings. My parents never bothered to remember the dates either. 

And yet I never felt like anything was missing. 

There were a lot of other signs that were used to express love and care by my parents… They would get me things that I needed; like education, protection, good food, fellowship and laughter.

I never knew birthday cakes. I only knew cakes, which I would eat on any other day if I was lucky enough to get any anywhere. 

And I was okay, and I was happy. 

If there is one thing my parents taught us very well was to be content with who we are and what we had and not otherwise. 

They always never gave us everything we wanted but they gave us more than what they had. And so this has had a huge impact in my life to date..

I grew up and eventually had to learn to celebrate my birthday and the birthdays of those that I care about. I went to high school and made friends whose birthdays were celebrated since they were born. They would have pictures of their birthdays when they were 5, 6, 10 year old with a big cake and in a new outfit. 

Some would make a big deal out of it because one had forgotten their birthdays.

All this was a wonder to me. ‘Why would I care if someone didn’t wish me a Happy Birthday??.’ I wondered. But I later chose to open to new things and most importantly to accept love. 

I have a number of cards and good messages sent to me during my birthdays since when I started receiving them in junior high. I recall receiving gifts too… of different forms, some in kind treatments, like an offer to shop for a certain limit of things, food stuff, and other things…

In receiving I learned to give. 

I would also do card and gift exchange as well when it came to my friends’ birthdays… However, this never happened smoothly. Sometimes I would forget, sometimes I would be unable to afford something nicer and sometimes I would just decide to do nothing but send my wish and feel okay.  It’s something that I strive to improve everyday though.

It’s just that I wish I didn’t have to get my people so worked up to celebrate my birthday every year. They don’t have to get me a cake, a champagne or a party. 

I would be equally happy if we just had a phone conversation and you wished me so… Or if we prayed together and thank God with me… Or just have tea together.. Or go for a walk and reflect on things together… And I would be equally grateful..

Few years back, I woke up in the early morning and went to church ( it was my birthday and it fell on Sunday) and as I walked out of church I asked two friends to escort me to a wholesale shop where I bought a number of items and we drove to the Hospital and went on to spend my time of the day with children with Cancer. It was random but awesome and my friends were even more grateful to accompany me on such occasion even when they had no idea what I was up to. 

In 2015, I had a great morning with my then boss lady. She made me a yummiest breakfast, brought me big piece of cake left over from family cake, and then she held my hands and prayed for me and with me… I did weep. Out of joy. 

Another year I did run away from the cake moment at church and drove miles to have dinner with my mum at home. At least on this particular year she remembered the date and tried to do something special… And so I had to honour that… 

So it’s  quite a number  of years down the road so far…

And this time around my birthday found me in South Africa and I was so happy because I knew it would be different.

I thought this time my sister and the rest of the family wouldn’t have to stress .. My sister is the chief of family parties (most times working closely with me😊😉)

Then I thought of my other people… My team who also got worked up to surprise me with a beautiful cake last year… I didn’t want to put them through the same situation this year… And so i thought my absence would make it easy.

I had an awesome day indeed. I did have a great moment in prayer and meditation. I dressed up nicely. I did tie my hair pretty well too. And i went on celebrating myself in all i did as i always do on every other day of my life.

No cake. No party. No gifts. And mum forgot the date again until later after my sister reminded her😂… Still,  I was super happy.

And so…

I am sorry if you happen to be acquainted with me and I forget to wish you a happy birthday…. or I wish you late… Or I send you empty wishes without other surprises or gifts…

I am sorry if I fail to appear on your birthday party for some genuine reasons or for no reason at all but me thinking that my simple wish should be enough.

I just want to tell you that I still care about you and that I celebrate you everyday… Not only on your birthdays… It’s just that I do it differently and I would expect of you to appreciate that.

I am also getting better at it for the person I was before was not as considerate and as thoughtful as the person i am today…

I do get myself worked up from time to time… Especially since God granted me a niece and nephew..

So today as I went to visit my brother and his family…  They got me some ice cream and cake as a mark to celebrate my missed birthday on the 28th July when I was away…

How thoughtful of them… 

My Trip to SA – The Landing

I like to think that I am adventurous…

Perhaps because of my fantasies during my meditation and day dreaming moments where I would always see myself disappearing into places that would disconnect me from the world and connect me to my own world.

I believe this consistent desire eventually compelled my Giver of all good thing to grant me what I needed. I haven’t seen much of the world yet, but I have had amazing exploits through a bit of my travels so far.

From a local train trip in Nairobi, to underground trains in London and bullet trains in Japan,  to the cruise ship life and experience (India, Sri-Lanka through Singapore), and snorkeling in Zanzibar (where I got bitten by the sea eunuch ;-( ),  and all the plane and road trips I have had (well not so much really..but still worth it), the exclusive room service experience in some good hotels, the museums and the legendary history of some places, and most of all, the people and their culture…or rather lifestyles…

Sometimes I just want to live my life as a tourist of the world 😉 . Everything is fascinating and despite so many differences it’s interesting to actually figure out that we humans are so much alike than we think! I wish we would see each other through the eyes of our source instead of our possessions, race, religion etc.

I should get to the point anyways.

I just came back from South Africa yesterday evening. I have been there for about a month and the experience is simply unforgettable… and so, before the busiest days start to crowd me I thought of reflecting on my journey and the lessons that I could pick.

This might be some series of posts.

I suppose my content is firstly written by me for me… but is open to relate with whoever that is interested. So upon doing the reading please kindly keep the judgement to yourself… especially where you don’t concur 😉 . Thank you.

Landing in SA 

This was my first time to SA.

Now, I know I watch Isidingo The Need and so I should have an understanding of how the country looks like in terms of its infrastructure and the setting,  of which I had… and of course I know better about the level of economic development that SA has compared to other African countries… plus I am aware of all kinds of stories about Africans who would illegally move to SA to seek better life since when I was growing up… and the fact that SA did host World Cup for heaven sake!!!

Well, not that I have been to all other countries in Africa… but I know with the exception of some Northern African countries I have had a good interaction with colleagues from Eastern, Central and some Southern African countries that got me  a certain understanding that I could relate with my country and that gave me a certain paradigm of how the entire continent looks like in terms of development except South Africa. The colleagues from South Africa that I could interact with were sort of different…

But honestly… all this didn’t sink in me until when I got to see with my own eyes. I know I looked cool outside and seemed like some experienced traveler at the airport and during the drive from the airport to the hotel but inside I wasn’t. I was in shock… I was wandering inside out! I would peek through the window to stare at the flyovers, highways and the huge road lights and the glittering city of Jo-burg and all the way to the Pretoria. My eyes could come off I tell you!lol

I told myself… “I saw these things in London and Tokyo… but not in Africa”.. Well I understand the history of the country and the colonial powers of the Europeans that used the country’s endowed precious minerals to make the place look like one of their own but I never thought it was done to that extent.

Anyways… enough of my bewilderment. That’s how it was as I landed.

Then my questioning began.

My Africa

What is your standard if you’ve got any?

What is left of you since colonialism ended if at all it did?

What strategies did you put in place after your liberation?

Did you set standards to prosper or simply to recover?

I want to know what happened after all your children obtained independence

Did you set standards for improving your infrastructure?

How about standards to improve your people’s livelihoods?

How come I don’t see much of that when I look at you?

Well, perhaps Rwanda could be a bit of an exception.

I can’t say much about the rural areas but at least Kigali seems progressive.

Or so I hear of Mauritius and Botswana somehow…

But as for many others… including this great South Africa…

They have not surpassed the colonial standards

The biggest universities are those that were initially constructed by the colonialists

The best and spacious hospitals are those that existed before independence

So are the railways, roads, shopping malls, airports and you name it

It doesn’t end with buildings and other infrastructure

The way of schooling, curriculum, language, dressing style, eating etiquette

But I will not go that far today… we stick to the infrastructure

Developments that are made after the colonial era are there for sure

However, I question the ownership of these investments

Foreign owned? Government owned? Locally owned?

I also doubt to what standards are these creations made

Far from sophistication and innovation but with lots of corruption and politics

As I laid to sleep away my first night in the beautiful city of Pretoria and in one of good hotels in the place, which had a lot of black south African staffs (as receptionists, cleaners, attendants, drivers, waiters and waitresses) with few white staffs(In the managerial and admin roles)… I reflected… After all that Africa has gone through over the history….What is the value added by African leadership since independence towards the development and prosperity of the Africans and the continent at large? Is Africa truly liberated? Is it really free from colonialism? Does it have any standards at all? Has poverty chained it so firmly and blinded it so heavily that it cannot envision itself conquering and prospering?

Hardly did I know that the programme that took me there in the first place would unfold this questions and open my mind to a deep understanding of these things.

To be continued.

Consciousness

How conscious of you are you?

Often times we like to think that were in full control of our own selves.

Tell me, What drives you when you’re hungry? 

Food hungry.

What do you do when you’re hungry but got money to buy something to eat? Who’s always in control here, you or your money? 

I can recall a number of times when I would be driving home from a long day of work and I would be hungry and as long as I was sure I got money then I would stop anywhere and get me the food of my imagination only to come figure out much later that I could consider a lot other cost effective alternatives that would get me equally satisfied… Sometimes I would even refuse to accept the fact that I got food in the fridge at home. 

And how about when you’re hungry and got no dime?

Here most times I would have no choice but to be disciplined. No money no honey.

Food. Drinks. Sex. Money.

We, young, adults and old; great kings, warriors, villains to ordinary men are losing identity and self consciousness everyday over these 4 things.

We have made poor career choices based on either of the 4 instead of basing on our passion and purpose.

We have had regrettable, abusive, tormenting relationships because of either of the 4.

Friendships, Marriages, Families and Homes are broken because of these 4.

We have colonized, enslaved, and oppressed one another because of the 4.

Indeed they’re not bad in themselves and that’s why they exist in the first place but somehow mankind has failed to associate with them appropriately and as a result we got unending tragedy.

When we wake up each morning

Some think:

I must eat

I must drink up

I must shop

I must have money

I must have an intercourse

But some think:

I must live

I must be kind and do kind

My life must count

I will be conscious of my gifts and passions

I will pursue them and make a living out of it

To be full is more than to eat and get satisfied, drink until you’re high and flying, to be a billionaire or to have an orgasm

It’s more than that.

It’s to have none of them and still feel full.

It’s to have either or all of them and still be the one in charge instead of your desires.

A Good Woman President

So this evening I went to the nearby local shop, and as I was waiting to be served, there came a little girl (perhaps about 4, or 5 or 6 years of age… I don’t know kids ages by looking at them!) to buy something too and she greeted me so respectfully and I responded with a big smile and warmth.

Then after a short silence, about one minute long of observation… she asked me “Aunty, is that your real hair?”. I said “yeah” while smiling.. and she lit up her angelic eyes and said “Wow, your hair is really long…” then she added “...and it is so beautiful aunty!”. And I smiled so big again and this time with gratitude attitude… “Thanks babe.”

As the shopkeeper talked to her, i learned that the kid’s name was Fatma. And as I left the shop walking home and thinking about Fatma, envisioning her charming cute face and compliment… I felt so good. It is these little things that we encounter and experience in our lives that make all the difference. I am always reminded to be grateful about something everyday.

And so Today, I am grateful for the little angels. The kids. I love the children. A lot. I wish we all came to realisation of how crucial that stage is in one’s life.

What are you grateful for?

I have had a long day today. I had been attending the research workshop that I was invited to in few weeks ago. The theme was about ‘Making industrialization work for socio-economic transformation’. This (Manufacturing) is one of my favourite areas of purpose and so I could not afford to miss.

The meeting was filled with a lot of scholars from various fields especially economics; policy makers including my University professors who taught me, high level officials (ministers, other political leaders, particularly our Vice president, who was the guest of honour)… and of course my colleagues and friends that I have studied (one in high school, other 3 in MA Economics class)and worked with before…

It was such an inspiring day for me because just last week I was going through some research papers on macroeconomic history of Tanzania before I found myself digging through industrialization issues again. It had been quite a long while since i looked into that area. So today my ‘wow moment’ was during the presentation by Professor Justin Lin who is ‘my best guy’ when it comes to structural transformation through industrialization. He is such a bright mind. I am a fan of his books and papers on structural transformation. Today was my second day meeting him. You can try google him.

Enough of that.

I will talk about our Guest of honour today. Since it was my first time to actually meet her and listen to her talk…. i had my own meditation of her as I was doing that.

There is something rare and special about Our vice president; She is a woman. So as she was delivering her speech, there was another woman standing behind her…. the way male bodyguards stand before the president…

Now I only see female bodyguards in movies… so this was my first time… and I couldn’t comprehend that fact easily and so I just assumed that it must be her P.A…. however she was behind our vice president the entire time and went with her wherever she went. And of course she was not in uniform. Just in some simple formal suit.

Now from observing her excellency the Vice president, I concluded that she must be such a warm, listening, supportive, and action-oriented leader.

I think she is a ‘good woman’ leader. I am not sure what kind of events that the previous vice presidents (who were all men) attended. I don’t know if they went to many women and/or children events (or any at all).. I’m not sure if the people behind these groups even bothered to invite them. I think this woman is going to get a lot of invitations from all kinds of corners…especially from great women of Tanzania. and she will of course attend to many of them.

I know men can make good leaders.

But when a ‘good woman’ is in power… she thinks development in a much broader way. A ‘good woman’ in power thinks like a ‘mother’; and whatever she leads is like her own ‘children’. You can see it from how she listens and how she takes charge.

I think she is a woman who can empower other women (just by the fact that she is in that position is already a great inspiration to most women)… and she can empower other people and institutions.

I looked at her today and I felt like this woman thinks of us, the people and her nation of Tanzania, as her own beloved little kids.

I hope I am right.

If I will be right… than I am going to get a little more ambitious.

I will want a ‘good woman’ President for Tanzania.

There are many women in Tanzania, but there are not many ‘good women’ in Tanzania… and there are a lot lesser ‘good women leaders’ in Tanzania. I hope someday we will raise the standards and turn all women into ‘good women’ and finally into ‘good women leaders’.

(Her Excellency, Vice President of Tanzania, Samia Suluhu Hassan)